The Deluded Diva Speaks Learning how to dress like a senior citizen

The cooler temperatures last week prompted me to do some spring cleaning in my closet. Okay, so I’m two seasons behind, but at least I’m finally getting around to it.
It’s way past time to pack away the white shoes and tank tops. You know, no proper Southern girl would ever wear white after Labor day. As for the tank tops – I keep them around only to remind me that I once dared to wear them!
I was appalled to find a Gucci handbag among the detritus. I don’t even think it was a knock-off. It was entombed in an old shoe box, never to see the light of day again. It reminded me how far I’ve slid down the fashion scale since I gave up my nine to five world.
That little Gucci number probably cost me a month’s salary. Where were my priorities back in the 80s? My children were eating hot dogs and I was supporting Mr. Gucci. What a silly, silly woman. With so much need in the world, I can’t believe I was so self indulgent.
These days, a Kroger bag works just fine and costs me zilch.
And there, way back behind my Christmas decorations, I discovered the pair of Manolo Blahniks I purchased in New York when “Sex in the City” was still on my Tivo. They were the most uncomfortable shoes I’ve ever owned and made me hobble like a geisha. (Plus they were disgustingly WHITE!)
Stuffed into one shoe was a teeny miniskirt that was barely a foot long! I figure it was left over from the Carter Administration which was a pretty tacky time. Take it from me, mini-skirts don’t mix well with Spandex. (If you don’t know about Spandex, I figure you must be a size two and under the age of 35.)
Surveying all my past wardrobe sins, I shivered. Why didn’t someone slap me in the face and wake me up to the realities of this world? Anything labeled “designer” should be outlawed.
The Manolos have been replaced with rubber shower shoes purchased at Fred’s on sale for 50 cents! They feel like heaven.
So my fashion sense may have taken a nosedive, but my clothing budget is going to be put to better use in the future!

Emily Jones is a retired journalist who lives in Starkville. She edits a website for bouncing baby boomers facing retirement and welcomes comments at