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Oh, the horror of it

September 17, 2011

To distract myself from the torture of riding the elliptical machine each morning at my gym, I switch back and forth between the 15 television sets provided along the front wall.
Unlike everyone else in the gym, I only watch the commercials which have become my most amusing diversion.
Today I saw an ad for, hands down, the most ludicrous of all useless household items – a dress (or suit depending on the sex of your rolls) for toilet paper. 
Apparently, someone in corporate America has decided that leaving your toilet paper rolls “naked” amounts to paper porn. Oh, the horror of it all. You’d better get one, or your name will be on a list somewhere.
My book club met at my house this week and I wonder what the girls thought of me when they visited the facilities and found naked rolls of TP. I’ll probably be black-balled from the club.
Yes, folks. A naked toilet paper roll has become the latest faux pas of lazy homemakers everywhere. The ads, currently being aired under the theme “Respect the Roll” are for this revolutionary new product just released by a major company which will remain nameless, lest I get banned from purchasing my new fall TP wardrobe.
At first I thought it was a joke. Do I really need to dress up my toilet paper in a cute little outfit? And for what reason? It’s annoying enough to have to reload the TP holder. To dress it up seems like a hideous waste of effort.
I can see it now. Soon, we’ll be needing little outfits for our bug spray, oven cleaners and floor wax. They will be color coordinated so the area under your sink will “pop.”
Is it just me, or does anyone else out there think some new product researchers are overdue for a vacation? 
This new product rates right up there with “Eggies.”  Surely, you’ve seen the late night infomercials for “Eggies” – those much anticipated devices which allow you to boil your eggs out of the shell? Why? And more importantly, why?
You can get 12 Eggies for the new low price of $10 plus shipping and handling. Is it so hard to just dump your eggs in boiling water and let them do the work?
I bet you a dollar that well-meaning men everywhere are planning their Christmas gift lists for wives and mothers to include  a brand new set of Eggies and a sequined cocktail dress for their toilet paper.
These products rate right up there with the Salad Shooter – I received two and never have understood why I would want to shoot my salads out of a little cannon. 
I do keep one by my bed in case I have an intruder in the night.

Emily Jones is a retired journalist who edits a website for bouncing baby boomers facing retirement. She welcomes comments at www.deludeddiva.com.

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