After being out later than usual due to the Mississippi State football game on Saturday night, I slept in - instead of going to church.
About 11 a.m. I began to rally and discovered I was out of eggs.
I pulled my favorite hoodie out of the clothes dryer and rushed over to the Jitney Jungle. As long as I was there, I wandered through the store picking up a few other items.
Along the way, I ran into friends who had attended early church.
We chatted about the game and mundane things like the weather. I knew I was getting a lot of attention, and I was thinking it was my heretofore unnoticed effervescent personality.
As I waited in line, two aisles over a friend whispered as quietly as she could, pointing to her upper back.
“Emily, you have a bra hanging out of your hood.”
At first it didn’t compute. I looked at her blankly until her message reached my brain. Oh, my, God, (not a good time to call on Him, He had just played a good prank to teach me a lesson).
I reached back and pulled the wayward bra out of my hood and stuffed it into my pocket. (I wanted to throw it on the floor and stomp on it declaring “It’s not mine!”)
I glanced around frantically to see if anyone else had noticed.
EVERYONE had noticed! The other shoppers were practically in tears, trying to conceal their glee. I turned a shade of maroon that would have pleased Dan Mullen.
If it had been a nice frilly bra, it might have been okay, but this was one of those old serviceable models you should have thrown away before 9/11. But it was so darn comfy. You never expected the world to see it anyway.
Even the bag boy couldn’t control his guffaws. An elderly man came over and said “Honey I wanted to tell you, but these days young people sometimes wear their underwear outside.”
“WELL, NOT ME,” I wanted to scream.
I have never been more humiliated, but at the same time it was pretty funny. I laughed out loud all the way home.
I walked over to tell my neighbor, Brenda, about my latest gaff. (She’s keeping a list.)
Between tears, she said, “You know what that looks like, don’t you? Looks like you had a pretty wild time last night.”
Oh, gee. I never thought of that.
But I learned a valuable lesson. Never cut church without a good reason and always, always, check your hoodies for hidden articles of clothing.
If it had been my Godzilla panties, I would have died on the spot.
I also learned that God has a wicked sense of humor. I can hear a big “GOTCHA” in the sky.
Emily Jones is a retired journalist who lives in Starkville. She edits a website for retired bouncing baby boomers and welcomes comments at www.deludeddiva.com .